A know-all list to become the "Shonar Chele" (Literal English translation: Golden Boy)

Well, it has been documented over and over again. It has been illustrated with apt pictures and equally apt examples. However, none could really light up that 1000 Watt bulb in the cerebral cortex. And so I thought why not. Something that has already been written can always be rewritten, so says the wise man.

Things have changed more or less too much over the years. The waves of globalization have struck the shores of India and Bengal has not been left behind and the effect has been catastrophic (and this is no exaggeration). The stereotypical images that have been painted over the years hold good no longer. A Bengali girl’s “Knight in shining armor” is no more the “Feesh” conquering, bespectacled frog prince in bad shape and the thinking cap put on in great panache. He got to be little more (yes, Bengali girls love to play with paradoxes) than that. The following is an extensive list of what Bengali girls look out for in their potential partner. So, if your eyes are on that sexy bong babe (Yeah, Bengali girls are sexy in their heads) in your office or your neighborhood, you now know what to do (Yeah, of course, learn this list by heart, to begin with).

1. If male chauvinism is your forte you are straight away out of the race (If you still gotta try you sure gonna retire hurt).

When it comes to relationships Bengali girls love to be bossy (Yeah, don’t fall into the trap of their more-than-required innocent eyes and start presuming a thing or two). They can go back home with equality, but chauvinism will never ever go down their system.

1. If you aren’t a fish enthusiast you are still bearable but if you aren’t aware of the magic of fishes you are dead.

Bengali girls have learnt to pardon guys who cannot tell “rui” from “katla” over the years (with a heavy heart though) but those who cannot understand their larger-than-life emotions attached to this particular aquatic species are heartlessly butchered (Yeah, Bengali girls don’t mince their words really when it comes down to fishes.)

1. If you haven’t heard a single Rabindrasangeet in your life you still have your chances notwithstanding how miserable you are but if you are not prepared to hear it over the years to come you better hang yourself (before she does).

Well Rabindranath Tagore has been the heartthrob since time immemorial. He had been a woman’s man in the true sense and a Bengali damsel will not let you go without filling in your Rabi Thakur (that’s what they lovingly call) vacuum.

1. If you cannot hold a political debate your existence (in her life) becomes debatable on the spot.

How I wish things were different but with a lady ruling the state the situation has worsened for you guys. You gotta get your political stats in place before you want other things to fall in place.

1. If you don’t understand the power of red and white together she will refuse to understand you straightaway.

Bengali bombshells always have this enormous fetish for anything white with red borders, be it their sarees or their suites or even their ever glorified “Sakha Pola”. You never mess with their “red and white saga”. You dare not.

1. If you remain bewildered about the entire hullabaloo over a female deity with ten hands and all the crazy shit that starts even before she arrives, well, remain so. Don’t you dare question.

Durga Puja a Bengali’s religion and you don’t question anybody’s religion right?

1. If you are a control freak and you have this fetish to control everything in your girl’s life you can let the Bengali mademoiselle of your dreams stay just there. In your dreams, that is.

Well, Bengali girls are a tad bit independent than their contemporaries. They are a bit on the wilder side and that is what makes them so covetous. You cannot agree more.

1. If you are not very comfortable conversing in the heritage the British people left behind, you need not. But don’t you try too hard. Because you will not like the booby trap awaiting you once you start.

Well, Bengali girls know their ABCDs a little too well and they don’t mind if you are ignorant. However, don’t piss them off with unnecessary display of wrong English. Let me tell you it isn’t helping your case in any which way.

1. Bengali babes aren’t the money types. They are more the art types. So when you are trying to impress her with gifts, you got to spend less of money and more of time.

Well, I am not saying that Gucci bag or a Zara dress won’t go down well. However, all said and done, she will rave more over a well-written letter, a wisely chosen book or a hand-made card. So guys, now you know. You got to have a little art in you.

1. If you got to know her better you got to appreciate her fancy for sweeter things in life. Like a bhar of misti doi or piping hot nolen gur er rosogolla, or anything for that matter.

 You cannot overrule any ‘mishti’ that takes you to heaven and back. It cannot harm much right? Yes, I know you are screaming ‘Diabetes mellitus’, but who said too much?

And I would probably end on a sweet note.

Before I sign off, the numbers are all same because they don’t indicate priority. Like you know, we all set our own priorities and I cannot take such a huge responsibility on my tender shoulders. And if the list above does not work, don’t blame me because at the end of the day, girl, no matter where they hail from, will remain this mysterious species, eluding and enchanting you to ecstasy.